Saturday, March 2, 2013
i try to remember and can't. i try really, really hard. but when i go back in my mind, it's not there. i then i remember it didn't happen that way. all it takes is a clip of a commercial...the one with the mothers holding their new born babies, and my mind goes racing back to the day when i gave birth to Sophia. but i didn't. and it's one of the the strangest feelings i've ever had. the first time it happened, i kind of freaked out. i was watching some movie on tv, and there she was, a new mommy holding that precious little baby, and in my mind i thought, "oh, how sweet...i remember how i felt when i..." and then i froze. no, i don't remember that, but oh how it feels like i should! we've been home with sophia for over a year now and God has sealed us together so tightly as a family, that i forget we went to China! i feel as if i gave birth to her...i feel as if it should've have happened! the first time i had that realization, i cried. i guess i was grieveing what didn't happen, but i was also just plain feeling sorry for myself because one day i would so love to tell sophia about the day i gave birth to her. and on top f that, i never want her to feel as if she is different than any other little boy or girl whose mommy and daddy love them and brought them home a few days after entering the world. so, i did what i always do...i turned to Him. and He did what He always does... He gently reminded me of His perfect plan. His plan of how He brought our family together that day in China... the way He wanted to. He reminded me that i need to trust in Him when the time comes to explain those things to her, and that giving birth is miraculous. whether it's natural or supernatural, like ours was. after the initital shock of trying to conjure up a memeory that was not there, i realized how blessed i was to feel that way. she IS my daughter, and yes, I am her real mommy. nothing will ever change that. our circumstances are different, but boy are they incredible! today we celebrate her birthday. and even though i may not remember the day she was born, there is someone who does. a nameless woman, halfway around the world, who, today, i'm sure, is remembering the day she walked into a hospital in Nanjing three years ago and gave birth to the sweetest little girl on earth. her memories, i'm sure, are filled with pain. i can't even imagine what she may be feeling. i pray for her today. i pray that God somehow will let her know that the child she gave birth to is with a family (and i mean a great big family!) that loves her beyond the moon and back. i wish i could thank her. thank her for loving her enough to risk going into a hospital to give birth. to thank her for choosing a better life for her. to thank her for following God's plan...even if she didn't know what she was doing. one day i may be able to do that. only God knows...but for right now, i pray that today will bring peace to her. we have such a beautiful story of love to share with our daughter one day. and although our memories with her start at 21 months old, i think we are doin a pretty good job of making some wonderful memories with her. today is her day. and we will celebrate the joy of who she is in our lives. a daughter we can't imagine never not having. and it really doesn't matter how God did it. i'm just so glad He DID!